olympic "sports"

for the most part i get the olympics, i really do. as a former athlete i understand competitive drive and predatory instinct (which has matured into a "grazing" instinct), and i can understand the appeal of having a single, sci-fi-comic-con type of event to celebrate athletics and competition. and really, do you even need a reason to get a bunch of young boys together in a closed stadium, strip them down, rub them in olive oil and make them run and jump and wrestle? indeed...

and there are some sports that make perfect sense: running, for instance. the need for two people to challenge each other by running from here to there is primal and probably as old as humanity itself

frank: "grog, last one to tree is a triceratops"
grog: "no fair! i've got a wife over my shoulder!"

and diving, i understand diving. i'm generally not a fan of "sports" that are judged on aesthetic value, but diving has a lot of redeeming qualities (notwithstanding the fact that divers seem to be a bit pudgier than other athletes). cycling? steeplechase? canoeing? judo? tennis? wrestling? all of these sports make sense to me.

but there are a lot of sports that i do not get. i don't understand why they are considered sports, why people want to compete in them, and why they should be inflicted upon us, the faithful olympic viewing public.

full disclosure: i am not a member of the olympic viewing public. i only watched the men's cycling road race because i actually knew someone competing (*brilliant* result, btw, for canada), and i watch some swimming because i used to swim, and i watch women's beach volleyball because of... uh, the drama and feats of athleticism...)

and i will not be convinced by the argument that something is a sport just because it requires physical effort; sometimes i break into a sweat re-tying my shoelaces, or get out-of-breath while lugging groceries up to my apartment, but i'm not arguing that *those* should be olympic activities...

so, in no particular order:

• table tennis? really? this is a sport? a wee plastic ball that weighs as much as a hummingbird egg, a paddle from max mosley's dungeon, and a tiny little net on a folding table from somebody's basement?
• bmx. i rode a bmx, and it is cool, but a competitive sport? pierced and tatt'ed ne'er-do-wells who can't afford belts to hold their pants up, who train by riding urban streets in search of grandmothers to purse-snatch... yeah, okay, so bmx can stay.
• trampoline. lol. seriously.
• synchronized swimming. this is a sport so ridiculous i can't even comment on it. it angers me. and i even *competed* it it myself! (long story, not worth the time)
• badminton. like table tennis, but using wicker carpet beaters; i don't mind if consenting adults play badminton in the bedroom, but not the olympics...

so i propose that every olympic sport should go through a sanity check before it can be approved. the check might be something like this: put two guys together in a bar, each with a beer in their hand, and then get them to challenge each other using the sport in question. if they do not laugh, cry, blush, or get trampled by their fellow patrons, then the sport passes:

• "dude, i bet i can lift more beer kegs over my head than you". weightlifting, check.
• "hey hombre, you can't walk nearly as fast as i can." walking, fail.
• "yo, bro, i bet i can throw this pointy spear/cannon ball/frisbee farther than you". javelin/shotput/discus, check/check/check.
• "do you think i could cross this bar in just a hop, skip, and a jump? why are you hitting me?". triple jump, fail.
• "grog, last one to tree is a triceratops". running, check.
• "frank, i bet i can lift my legs out of the water higher than you can, while dancing to music. oh, and you have to put your hair in a bun and wear this noseclip". *biff* *boom* *kapow!*, the barroom brawl ensues.

i know there's more in here, but beach volleyball has started, and brazil is playing next...