turnabout is fair play

i realized something yesterday, as i was leaving the grocery store down the street from my home: for as long as i can remember i have had a certain, special kind of relationship with women. sadly, i use the term "women" to denote that group of females who are decidedly older than i am. i have had no such luck with "girls", i.e. females of my own age... but allow me to elaborate:

ever since i was a young boy, perhaps around 8 or 9, i have noticed that women of a certain age find me appealing. not pinch-my-cheek-like-i-am-your-grandson cute, and definitely not "you should come home and meet my daughter" attractive, but appealing in a different way. in a way that makes these women want to take care of me. when i was at school my female teachers always had an obvious soft spot for me and i had a much easier ride than many of my fellow students even though i was not a model of good behaviour. when i was working at the pools the adult (female) lifeguards would often make me lunches, or take my shifts so that i could study, or do my laundry. during the many hospital stays that defined my adolescence i was always given preferential treatment by the nurses and they would spend their breaks sitting beside my hospital bed to keep me company. in my working life i have been helped by women who seem to take an overtly personal interest in my success. i often had better relationships with the mothers of my girlfriends than i have had with my girlfriends themselves.

i have of course tried to determine exactly which of my characteristics inspires such behaviour in women. it's certainly not the result of any physical attributes, because the behaviour has been displayed through both my athletic (80kg, 4% body fat) and, er, not so athletic (120kg, beluga% body fat) phases. and it's not fashion or style, because i have been both sensationally unfashionable (mohawk and eyeliner) and oddly fashionable (no, really, i was once) with no apparent difference. it's not likely to be the result of my stunning intellect either, because i
can be very, very dumb...

i have two theories that would explain why older women are attracted to me. in the first case, i suspect that the appeal is rooted in the good manners imparted upon me by my parents; i am usually polite, considerate, and sensitive, and older women seem to be attracted to those characteristics... and the care that they offer in return seems almost, well, maternal. and that brings me to my second theory, which is a little discomforting, because sometimes i wonder if the reason that women want to take care of me is not because i am decent, or well-mannered, but rather because they think i am helpless. incapable of caring for myself. i see myself as someone who travels through life confidently, exuding an air of supreme self-confidence, but sometimes i have to wonder if other people, especially these older women, see me as a deer caught in the headlights and that's why they feel the need to take care of me... no, not comforting at all...

but irrespective of the motivations, there is definitely an appeal, and that is something that i exploit to my full advantage.

as long as there is a woman to appeal to there is no problem that i cannot solve, no administrative barrier that i cannot breach, no penalty that i cannot avoid. to wit: i was unaware that i needed to register with the aliens police within three days of arriving in the netherlands until someone from human resources at work pointed it out. after i'd been in-country for 10 days. when i called to make my appointment i was cautioned that i would be in for some trouble. didn't bother me very much: when i arrived at the immigration office i saw that i was next in line to be serviced by a male clerk, so i went to the bathroom, missed my appointment, and had to wait for the next clerk who was conveniently a middle-aged woman. 10 minutes later i left the immigration office with my temporary residence permit, the clerk's business card and instructions to contact her at the mobile number she'd scribbled on the back of the card if i got into any trouble. yes, quite. when i tried to open a bank account after arriving in the netherlands the branch manager i applied to informed me that a bank account cannot be opened without showing a burgerservicenummer, the equivalent of a sin or ssn. i was only moderately disappointed by this news, but drove to another bank, waited for a female customer representative to be available, and then flirted my way into receiving a bank account on the condition that i provided them my bsn within 5 or 6 weeks...

manipulative? perhaps. unfair? probably. harmless? almost certainly. innocent? absolutely. i feel no guilt at having a higher-than-average success rate with these women; the way i see it, i am simply fortunate that they choose to help me more than they help other people. as long as my intentions are not malevolent i think there's nothing wrong with exploiting my peculiar advantage.

and so we come to yesterday's shopping trip. as i was exiting the store i was approached by a young girl of 14 or 15. she was shy, self-conscious, and a little awkward. she was not necessarily attractive, but appealing in a vulnerable sort of way. she was collecting funds for some charity or school event or something, and earnestly described the Value of her objective. i found myself standing on the street corner trying to remember which way was home. somewhat perplexed i saw a young girl with a slightly self-satisfied grin on her face. as i unpacked the groceries at home i smiled at the realization that my wallet was €20 lighter. yes, turnabout is fair play.